okay...

We're going to try this one more time. The last blog got a little out of control. I verbally destroyed a Hooter's waitress. I made myself look like an idiot. I had my friends at the end of their ropes with me. Oh, and did I mention that it almost cost me a relationship? Seriously. For whatever reason, I found it necessary and appropriate to tell a girl (on the second date) about FBA and about the Austin Road Trip (only those of you who followed beforehand will understand what any of that meant). She stuck around only long enough for me to realize how big of a mistake it was to publish most of that stuff online. Or to talk about it publicly.

Either way, I was a little too cavalier about the whole thing.

Allow me to start from the beginning: I'm Austin (nice to meet you). I grew up in a small Tennessee town that will forever affect the way I pronounce certain words. I live in Dallas. I went to Oklahoma State. I breathe for my friends, and I only bounce to the baddest beats.

I used to run a blog called Fake British Accent. The content ranged anywhere from my emotional temperament to my sexual misadventures. And even though I don't anticipate my subject material to change very much, it's important for me to admit that a lot has changed since I posted my last entry on Fake. For that reason, this will (albeit inadvertently) be a little more exploratory. I think.

But enough of the past.  Let's kick the routines of the present, shall we?  

For those of you who didn't follow FBA, I'm going to start by offering up an immediate piece of humiliation fodder:

I am semi-obsessed with Ellie Goulding.
Gahd, I know. Believe me, I wish I could say I hate this bitch. BUT. I. CAN'T. She's basically the British, non-Hispanic version of Selena Gomez (spoiler alert: kinda love her, too, which automatically makes me a celebrity petter-ass by default), but maybe that's the appeal. She's blonde, and she's about as ordinary-looking as any 24-year-old could possibly look. Oh, and her lyrics are repulsive. But she's British . And I think that may make all the difference.

I mean, look at her:

 

Fine, she's kind of hot.  But now imagine that a girl like that sounded like a girl like this:

That's right.  The chick from Narnia.  (AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry - I have this thing where anytime I think about girls with British accents, I automatically jump to Susan Pevensie.  Some people think that's weird, but whatever - there are people out there who are into foot sex and laser tag. We have bigger issues to deal with, World.)  

Don't judge me for liking Ellie.  Judge me for liking Narnia.  

Speaking of judging, I stumbled upon a weird paradox today that I'd like to share:

This all starts with a question:  is there anyone on earth who legitimately thinks George Lopez's shows are funny?  The guy has two shows on television today - one is a late-night talk show, and the other is a sitcom who evidently hired the screenwriters from Saved By The Bell:  The New Class.  Neither of them peak my interest in the slightest, despite my numerous attempts to actually like these shows.  It's sad, really.  

But here's the weird thing:  even though Lopez is responsible for the two unfunniest shows on TV, he's still not the unfunniest person on TV.  That title, my friends, belongs to the one guy whom we are all actively witnessing smash the American psyche into the ground with a large, black, trans-gender hammer.  That title, my friends, belongs to Tyler Perry. 

And here's the difference:

George Lopez can sometimes be subconsciously funny because he has been funny in past characters and roles.  Also, I think there are people out there who accidentally mistake him for Carlos Mencia, who is funny.  There.  Funny by association.  But more than all of that, it looks like he's having fun up there.  And for that reason alone, I'm willing to respect the work he does.

But the only person Tyler Perry gets mistaken for is Madea, who actually is Tyler Perry.  And guess what?  Neither of those two people are funny.  To be exact, Tyler Perry is actually unfunny, and Madea is fictitiously unfunny.  That's like mixing beet juice with bong resin.  And that's pretty much how I feel about TBS from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. Monday through Friday.

Ahh, it feels good to be doing this again.  Sorry I had to take such a weird, twisted hiatus.  I'll explain all of that later. 

But that's about all I have for now.  Sleep tight, kiddos.  We'll see each other soon enough.

yankeehotelfoxtrot,
TRR